Once upon a time, when a woman had kids, she could rely on her extended family to help her. Grandmothers, aunts, neighbors and even the occasionally grandfather or uncle might watch the kids. The mom could blissfully focus on making the roast in the kitchen while smoothing out her spotless apron.
In theory. Or in some fairyland.
In reality, motherhood has always always been very very taxing for most women. Even in times when it was more common to live close to your extended family, it probably wasn’t entirely by choice. Yes, there probably were lots of benefits (like an extra pair of hands and eyes, cousins to play with) but there were also costs that you couldn’t avoid (dealing with stressful dynamics with family members).
Today in the United States, young parents find themselves in a wider range of situations in terms of whether they live close to extended family or not. According to a Statistica report from 2011, only 38% of grandparents lived within 50 miles of their grandchildren in the United States. But even physical proximity (or lack thereof) doesn’t necessarily dictate if grandparents provide material support in child-rearing. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who are in situations where the grandparents live close by but for whatever reason, they do not provide material help in child-rearing work. And conversely, I know of other situations where the grandparents live far away but they regularly visit for longer periods where they offer significant help during their stay.
So as a new (or expecting) parent, how should you think about potentially getting help from grandparents? Here are some thoughts for your consideration:
1. Set a realistic expectation of will and skill of grandparents
After having kids, one new aspect of your relationship with your parents and any in-laws becomes “skill and will”. Some grandparents have both, some have only one, others have neither. Think about what you know about your parents. What is their level of skill in all the things you could use help with? This could range from direct caregiving (playing with baby/child, ensuring their safety, providing a warm and nurturing environment, feeding them, keeping them clean, putting them to sleep) to all the support work (washing bottles, laundry, preparing meals, cleaning up). Which of these can your parent actually do to a standard that will meet your needs? Sometimes grandparents may not be good candidates to do some of these jobs because of health issues, their other obligations or simply their personality and preferences.
Next, assess their will – in other words, their willingness to do it. Are they eager to spend as much time with their grandkids as possible? Or do they want to just be doting grandparents over the holidays and kiss them goodbye? This is something you can also potentially ask them directly – how much do you want to see your grandchildren? How much other help would you be willing to provide?
2. Assess the potential stress of getting grandparents’ help with kids
If you have a perfect, stress-free relationship with your parents, you can skip this section. For the rest of us, the potential stress of getting grandparents’ help with our children is a real thing. Relationships with parents can be complicated – on one hand, they are likely some of the closest people to you in a way but on the other, they can probably trigger your sensitivities like few other people can. And relationships with in-laws can also be fraught with difficulties as well. Bringing these folks as more central figures into the childcare journey which is already loaded with stress, judgment and insecurity for many parents, can make a not-so-good situation.
Compared to caregivers and other helpers you may hire, grandparents may feel more free to give their “constructive feedback” to their adult children on child rearing and housekeeping. Just interacting with the grandparents on a daily level can be stressful to new parents, especially if they have unresolved issues with their parents than they may have to reflect anew on as they go through their own parenting journey. If grandparents fail to meet expectations on the level or quality of help they provide, it can be more disappointing to the adult children than if the same thing happened with outside caregivers. And it may be more difficult to give feedback to grandparents on their caregiving than it is to outside caregivers.
3. Assess the benefits of help from grandparents and the alternatives
Despite all the potential pitfalls of getting help from grandparents, the potential benefits are also significant. For many parents, one important benefit is cost. Many grandparents will provide childcare for free or for significantly less than outside care. Another one is flexibility – while your local daycare might charge you $1 for every minute that you are late, grandparents are likely less to do that. They are probably more likely to be willing to watch your kids when they are sick too, which daycares often do not. Another important consideration is greater trust – depending on the alternatives available, parents may feel that they can better trust grandparents to treat their children well because of the familial connection. And last but not least, having grandparents play a significant role in childcare can increase the child’s sense of family connection and cultural heritage.
You also have to assess your alternatives. You may already know that having your mother in your home every day to watch your child will be stressful for you at times but you may prefer that to the cost and other concerns of hiring a nanny. Or perhaps there are good options for outside care but you would like the grandparents to do backup care for sick days and winter/summer holidays. There are a lot of possible configurations and knowing upfront some of the potential tradeoffs will help you make a better choice and also be better prepared to deal with the implications.
4. Define expectations clearly for grandparent care
If you do choose to have the grandparents play a significant role in your children’s care, find time to sit down and talk to them about each of your expectations. While it can be more uncomfortable to have these conversations with your parent or your in-laws than an outside caregiver, having it ahead of time could avoid conflict and give you more peace of mind later on. You can combine it with information about what to do in case of emergency, information about any medication, etc so it is framed more as overall information about the child’s care rather than a critical conversation.
Try to keep expectations simple and clear. Topics could include:
- Schedule – What time of day will care from the grandparents start? When will it end? What will happen if the child is sick? Holidays?
- Access to sugar, screens – Do you have a preference for how much sugar or screen time your child gets when they are with grandparents?
- Safety – Are there areas of the home that you don’t want the child to be in because it’s not child-proofed?
- Compensation – Will you offer some financial compensation for childcare?
5. Have a backup plan
Any one who provides regular childcare needs holidays and sick days, including grandparents. Have a plan for what you will do – whether that is having you or your partner take the day off, relying on other family members, or having a reliable babysitter on-call.
6. Find some physical separation
Once expectations are set up and caregiving starts, try to find some physical separation during the time the grandparents are watching the children. This is also something to consider with other caregivers such as nannies and babysitters. If you are working from home, that can be challenging but this might be a good time to go into the office, finding a shared workspace or cleaning out a part of the basement where you can work with a closed door. Having your child being watched by someone else while you are constantly around simply won’t work in many situations. Your child will naturally want your attention and may feel confused or sad that you seem to be ignoring them, particularly if they are too young to understand that you are doing other work. The other reason to find a separate working space with a door is that you will be tempted to intervene too often in how the caregiver is doing his/her job. Yes, he/she won’t do it just like you do it but as long as it meets the important criteria of physical and emotional safety and care, you need to give space for the caregiver and the child to find their own dynamic. Lastly, grandparents may also be more inclined to constantly interrupt you while you are supposed to be working and they are supposed to be caregiving. Because there is an ingoing familiarity, they may feel it is more ok to pop in so that the baby “can say hi to mommy” or to ask where some item is if you are located in the same physical space (not speaking from personal experience of course).
7. Find times to revisit
Schedule regular times to check-in with the grandparent providing care. No one likes having these conversations even with caregivers who aren’t family members, and having them with your parents or your in-laws is probably even less fun for most people. But even if it’s five minutes to say “everything is going fine”, having some time on the calendar is a good reminder and built-in opportunity to bring up issues before they become bigger problems.
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